As follows:
I got on the plane yesterday. I was the very last one. This was entirely my fault.
I was stopped at boarding by a man who said "Do you have your letter?" as in letter of permission from my parents, to be on a flight by myself. He thought I was about 12. I shouted "I'M TWENTY-TWO" in a loud voice and was allowed to go on the plane all on my own.
As I walked on I heard a funny voice, it was a man's voice. I noticed two things:
a) He's definitely gay
b) He's definitely from Tipperary (I know this because he was saying "dere" instead of "there" and things like that)
He was the air-steward and he was the kind of man with lovely teeth that you would fancy if you were a woman in the eighties who fancied men who were on Dallas.
When he took my boarding pass he gave me a really happy smile and said
"Dats seat Nine F, down dere on de right"
For some reason I felt really happy and as I walked away I heard
"Thank you for being a friend, travel down the road and back again..."
Yes it was, the first few bars of the theme to The Golden Girls, he was singing, and I knew right then we'd established a secret friendship.
I got to my seat and sort of pressed my head against the wall, the way you do when you think something awful was going to happen, like missing a plane, but then it doesn't and the treat you give yourself is to press your head on something.
The plane took off and that was good. Then after a while the Stewards came through with the trolley.
I saw him coming and was immediately a bit excited.
When they finally got to me I ordered tea, chocolate and crisps (hangover). And he laughed in that "Oh you, I can tell you had a wild night last night" affectionate way that friends do and I laughed back to say "Oh, how well you know me!"
He then took great pains to show me every kind of chocolate bar they had on the trolley
"We have the kit-kats, the snickers, the twirls..."
"Oh I'll just have one of those Divine ones"
"Right I'll have to make life harder for you, we have the dark and the milk"
"I'll just have the milk"
"Great stuff."
I enjoyed my odd combination of things, kind of invented hangover cure that I convinced myself was working.
The tea took a while though.
When it's particularly lovely tea you have to take your time otherwise what's the point?
So they came to collect the rubbish and I hadn't finished (panic)
But then my buddy came over and saw that I was trying to gulp it down to give back the cup and he said
"Now you, you take your time (smile)"
I was so happy, it felt like we were best plane friends and I'd just got special consideration that no-one else had and that me and my buddy in years from now when we've become wonderful friends watching re-runs of The Golden Girls in our messy but charming flat would remember the day we met and I'd say
"Remember the day you were so nice to me and let me finish my tea?"
I got off the plane and we said goodbye. And it was sad.
I had a really, genuinely terrible day yesterday, but I'll remember my secret friend, if not for always, for a good long while.
Or at least whenever I see The Golden Girls
"your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidante..."
